SELF WORTH & RELATIONSHIPS( Replies to letters)

I have received several letters from my young friends and these are some of the snippets from my replies which may be shared as general comments. I hope some of you find an answer to your problems when you read them.

ON BUILDING SELF-WORTH

1. When people label you as good, bad or ugly, you don’t automatically become that. YOU ARE ALWAYS WHAT YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE. So ask yourself, what kind of a person is the real you (not the projected one)? How worthless can a child who is no more than 16 be? - Don't forget you have the whole life ahead of you. All I want to say is 16 years is probably just an inch of the foot life you have to live. Don’t give up on yourself ever. There’s lot more to see and lot more to do. If this is area of problem approach me for "LESSONS ON IMPROVING SELF ESTEEM"
2. Please don’t get bogged down by your past; you have many more mistakes to make all your life. We all do. Mistakes are important. Mistakes are our milestones to growth and maturity. Only you must learn to handle them. You must learn to learn from them. You must also use them to recognise your strengths and weaknesses, to work on yourself.If you realise you may have gone wrong here and there it is good enough. That’s a HEALING SIGN. Next thing to do is to list down the mistakes you made. List down how you came out of them. List down one weakness that led you to that mistake. Then list down two strengths that helped you to come out of it. Give yourself a pat on your back for being strong and carry on believing that your strengths will always win over your weaknesses…okay? Just believe in yourself. Similarly learn to accept another with his/her flaws. Learn to forgive and accept change. Go through my articles "ATTITUDE" and "LIMITING BELIEFS". See if they make any sense to you. Please feel free to contact me for "LESSONS ON ACCEPTANCE and CHANGE"

3. If you don't have a parent or if you don't share a good rapport with at least one of your parents it can seem like a huge void in your life that leaves you insecure and defeated in the face of the many problems that you face everyday. You long for unconditional love and protection at home to help you deal with problems outside. Accept your ordeal if you don't have a supportive family during these crucial sensitive years. Turn for help and ask a counsellor or a teacher you can trust or some other parent who your are close to guide you. You must understand you need a little help to organise your thoughts to face all the problems you are facing for the first time.
Remember IT IS ALRIGHT TO ASK FOR HELP.

4. When you feel misunderstood and you struggle to prove yourself you often become terribly insecure. You don't quite understand how to express yourself...in anger or in subservience? You become confused and troubled. Sometimes this inability to handle a situation turns you into a rebel. It is a sign of aggression and a pointer to the fact that you have not learnt the coping skills. You must understand that you are essentially acting in defence and striking back to protect yourself from real or imagined fears. Striking back or aggressive behaviour may become a habit if you don't learn to analyse your emotions. You may grow up to become an aggressive adult if you are not careful. YOU MUST LEARN TO BE ASSERTIVE IN A CALM WAY. Feel free to contact me for, “LESSONS ON ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOUR" .

5. YOUR ATTITUDE to life will make a big difference. DON’T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF. Believe that TOMORROW IS always A NEW BEGINNING. EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE TOMORROW because you will CHOOSE TO CHANGE EVERYTHING6) Whenever you feel defeated reflect on how to make your WILL stronger. Think how you will strengthen your character. Analyse your value systems and give yourself boundaries (I will allow myself this much and no more). By respecting your boundaries you will learn to control your life. You will also learn to respect others' boundaries. Everyone makes mistakes, but the ones who learn and grow from them are the leaders and the teachers...

ON RELATIONSHIP ISSUES

§ A word about what I think love is or rather should be"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV)

§ When you are just about 18 and going through a transition yourself it is difficult to understand the above definition of love. For any young person of your age love is just a sensation that gives you some sense of security. When this security is threatened you feel restless and out of control. Sometimes anger can take over that state of powerlessness. But the moment you free yourself of the doubt of having to lose a loved one you may actually start living more meaningfully.§ Incase your relationship is making no headway and you are upset about it learn to LET GO for awhile. Allow him/her to think about how he/she wants to live her life too. Don't worry about losing your love. Be happy you met him/her and that he/she made you think so much about how your life. That is great isn't it? At no time should just one single person be allowed to dictate your total well being . You have to find within yourself a constant source of balance and peace and contentment no matter what adversities you face in life. A happy relationship is just a bonus...but first and foremost you must learn to be happy from within. How would you do it? TAKE LESSONS ON CONFIDENCE BUILDING.

§ Our problem no 1 in life is that we are always trying to paint a perfect picture when in reality there can never be one. We are dissappointed at the slightest hint of the picture not getting completed "exactly" the way we wish to see it . Until we accept the reality as it is we shall stew in unhappiness forever.Our problem no2 is that our perceptions and our insecurities always make us magnify our pains and minimise our gains.Try and apply the above two theories of life to yr situation whenver you have a problem and then ask yourself if you really have a crisis at hand.For example you are feel a lot of love for a guy/girl but you are not sure how he/she feels for you. You are deeply troubled over it .He /she is a good friend otherwise but that is not enough for you.You want to know if he/she also feels like you do. You want some loving response which if it eludes you frustrated you no end.

§ Now you may choose to remain unhappy if this girl/boy doesn't run into your arms, profess undying eternal love and do an " ek duje ke liye act" in the filmy style...or you can tell yourself, " Wow I have made such a lovely friend.He/ She trusts me enough to turn to me at her time of need.I must cherish him/her and respect his/her wishes.Give hin/her space to grow and continue to nurture this friendship by being at his/her side whenever she needs me..who knows someday we may get lucky enough to go out and date together..."
Can't you see how lucky you are already to have such a beautiful freindship without making it any more complicated? Is that not a kind of love? Your boy/girl( usually girl) may not be ready for the other kind of intimacy. She maybe coming from a home where her parents have serious expectations of her. She maynot be in a position to reciprocate your affection in the same way, without feeling guilty of letting down her parents...Try and understand her...if she disliked you she would have ignored you ...obviously she likes you and that is why she stays in touch with you. It is possible you are not just the only freind she has. And it is possible she wants to focus on her boards first and then decide how to proceed with her personal life.Isn't that fair?
If you pursue her now you will only succeed in scaring her off from you.Instead give her the understanding and the space she needs and she will value you beyond just a shallow relationship.Anything that cooks over a slow fire over a long period has a rich taste. Don't increase the flame and scorch it. Go slow, let it cook on slow fire...Meanwhile stay in touch with her and enjoy the friendship and consider yourself lucky...Be happy for yourself...

§ Make many other friends too.You must see the world before you jump to make a committment, so must she.It is not necessary to have just one intimate relationship at this stage. Instead it is advisable to have several beautiful frienships in order to enrich your understanding of men/women and how u ought to handle them...This is your time to explore life and not get a noose around your neck.

§ When you are particularly upset or depressed over a relationship and find yourself withdrawing and becoming a loner concentrate on a regime. Go to the gym, run an extra mile, play a hard game of squash and sweat it out whenever you can. Such a hard routine will flush in blood into yr system every time and take away your depression gradually. Meanwhile concentrate on your strengths. Write them down in a piece of paper. Write down the times you went wrong and ask yourself "WHY did I go wrong?” each time. Then think of at least 2 alternatives you could have employed to avoid the mistake. Write down your strategies and your strengths. Tell yourself you can change your life with a positive attitude.

§ Also don't be too judgemental of your partner incase of a break up. Remember he/she is also growing and infact has every right to experiment with his/her life now within responsible limits. None of you can afford to get stuck anywhere with someone in particular yet. You have to move on and meet new people and allow yourself to get matured. Healthy friendships with several girls are preferable to just one intimate friendship at your age - only because you are all still growing and learning about yourself .You must meet a variety of people before you settle down for one companion. You must make many friends and not seek “A particular relationship” to fill a void, or give you an identity.

§ When such a over dependency on a relationship creates a feeling of void and a sense of loss it is pointer to the fact that you are suffering from low self esteem. What are you doing about that? Get over your relationship dependency by working on yr self esteem. Before someone else trusts you must trust yourself. Before you prove your worth to someone else you must prove your worth to yourself. Make a set of SMALL GOALS for everyday .Example “I will run 5 kms. I will not smoke. I will finish one chapter of science.Whenevr I think of HIM/HER I will remind myself that I have to prove my worth to MYSELF( only then will he/she will respect and trust me). Whenever you think of him or her with pain, thank God for it. Remember you needed it to focus on yourself and your strengths.

§ If however you take the loss (of yr love affair) as a personal defeat, you are making a big mistake. You don't realise this today, but 5 years down, 10 years down or 30 years down, you would have seen so many people, loved and respected so many that the experiences that leave you so tortured and miserable would seem a waste of time. Remember most relationships started at this age don't carryon beyond a point. It is sad but it is true that with maturity childhood love remains just a sweet memory. You simply out grow them with time. You may feel shattered just now but years later when you look back you won’t really regret anything but the pain it caused you. With time you change so much, your outlook to life changes so much you realise some things couldn’t have lasted forver.The ones that do last however are always more practical in nature and not so romantic, with fewer expectations. They are more balanced and healthy and learn to adapt with the changes that take place in the personality. MATURITY IS ALL ABOUT DEALING WITH CHANGE ACCEPTING CHANGE AND USING IT to YOUR ADAVANTAGE....§ It is very important to remember that you must learn to accept your responsibilities towards your relationships - YOU CANNOT TELL EVERONE THE NAMES of the girls/boys that you go around with discuss them in detail what went between you two, with just anyone. It is important to start a relationship with utmost honesty and remain truthful to your partner. However other than a spouse with whom you plan to spend a lifetime, or a relationship which is about to materialise into a marriage you need not go in the details of your past with everyone. In our present society a guy can get away with a lot of nonsense but for a girl a single mistake can cost her life. And the fauj as you know is a small world. Be very careful. Don't talk about your experiences lightly, conversationally and to everyone. Always behave responsibly towards all your loves alike past and present...if you deserve forgiveness and kindness so do they.

LIVE AND LET LIVE .

§ A healthy relationship grows gradually over a time. Ensure enough time to know each other before you make a commitment to yourself to take the relationship to its next stage of intimacy. Take time to prove your integrity etc.All relationships must start with a casual discussion on each others outlook to life. "What do you think of this and that?”etc. This will give you a fair idea if your partner is flexible enough to understand your problems. Often a girl may not be mature enough to handle shocking revelations which are alien to her. You may have to prepare her in that case..." such things happen etc”. Ask for her opinion at every stage and see if you agree with her outlook to life.

§ Remember a healthy relationship grows gives space to each other. That is why it is important to become a good friend first before you become a lover. Listen to each other and analyse your respective needs. Find out if he/she is too demanding. Find out if his/her fears/insecurities are true or baseless. If they are true, find out if you are you ready to responsibility for him/her. If they are baseless find out how to help him/her understand you .LEARN ABOUT CONFLICT RESOLUTION.