DO YOU EVER CARE?
YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME
I’M NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU
ARE YOU LISTENING?

The two questions we have chosen for this month relate to ANGER MANAGEMENT and CONFLICT RESOLUTION
1. I get very ANGRY at little things and often scream back or react rebelliously. What should I do? (ADOLESCENT)
2. I remain irritated with my child’s repeated MISBEHAVIOUR. What am I to do? (PARENT)


Parents and their teens actually have more things in common than they think. Feelings of frustration, stress, time pressures, disappointment, financial stress, fear of failure and a need to be understood are common to both. They both want to paint a perfect picture for themselves. The child wants a perfect parent and the parent wants a perfect child. How they deal with these feelings and desires is the SKILL of conflict resolution. Conflicting situation can spin out of control when COMMUNICATION breaks down. The key word here therefore UNDERSTANDING.KNOWING THAT YOU ARE UNDERSTOOD CREATES RESPECT FOR YOU AND YOUR POSITION. This is also true for both parents and their teens

Here’s The First Step Towards A Personal Anger Management Programme
§ Identify the events that TRIGGER anger or violence for you: times, topics, situations. Plan for triggering events. What can you do to avoid them or help them go differently?
§ Identify the THOUGHTS you have that escalate your anger. What are you saying to yourself about the situation or person? What thoughts or self-talk can you substitute that will keep your anger from escalating?
§ Identify your BODILY CHANGES that indicate your anger is rising. What skills can you use that will help you control your bodily changes?
§ Identify the ACTIONS you do when your anger is rising. What actions can you do that will de-escalate your anger?


Here are some practical ideas for parents to handle conflict situations. You can start with an AGREEMENT OR CONTRACT made to handling future.
For example regarding communication, you may decide that during a fight
§ Issues from the past are not raked up.
§ Honesty between parties be maintained.
§ There is no name calling, swearing or saying hurtful things.
§ Should conversations become heated, both parties agree to physically separate.
§ After roughly 15 minutes, each one can sit down and write out what they are angry about. Both give other the time to read what is angering them. Each will then ask “What would you like to see happen?” From there both will listen and develop a work able solution.
§ Should an agreement not be reached after this, parties will alternate getting their way. For a week you may try out doing things the other way. A record of the last person to get their way will be kept.
§ Agreements made regarding household chores and curfew times shall be written and displayed in an area accessible to all.

Ø A rule of thumb when managing conflicts is to take equal responsibility towards resolving a situation.
Ø With recurring problems please look for mediation and counselling

THIS MONTH’S SPECIAL

10 Ways to Help Your Children Feel Safe, Respected, and Loved

1. Gotcha! Catch your children being good. Make a big deal out of it.

2. Can you describe that? Describe and praise what your children do well. For example, "Great! You finished your homework. Now we can go outside and play."

3. Hugs and kisses. Don't be afraid to show affection to your children. They need to feel your love for them.

4. The magic message. In every way possible, tell your children that you believe they are lovable and capable.

5. Liking themselves. Talk to your children about their strengths and limitations. Help them see that no one person can do everything.

6. Ask feeling questions. Questions like "How do you feel about your new teacher?" let your children think about and express their emotions.

7. Test the school. Be aware of your children's school climate. Is it warm and inviting? Is there both structure to keep children safe and freedom to let them grow?

8. Listen carefully. Put down the newspaper and turn off the TV when your child talks to you. And don't interrupt.

9. I'm on your side. Advocate for your children when concerns arise. Help them resolve conflict and find peaceful solutions to problems.
10. Peace be with you. Many schools have become peace sites-a place of safe, respectful behaviour. Try this at home. As a family, identify ways your home could be a more peaceful place.

ADOLESCENTRIX - JAN ISSUE

“Our children are not what we used to be”. Every generation must have been through such an aching realisation. Each time such a change must have been fraught with speculation and pain. The initial reaction must have been momentous, incomprehensible and unacceptable - until the fruits of change assuaged some of that fear and uncertainty of living through a transformation. The ones who brought about the metamorphosis went through as much struggle trying to establish a new set of rules, a fresh set of identities. The trouble arises when they get carried away in that frenzy, losing their way, and whipping up more dust than a clear path to follow. There are always a few who simply lose themselves and chose the easy way out to infamy. Today unfortunately, in a billion strong ‘young’ Nation they make a sizable population. The reason for worry is the rate at which their fire of discontentment is spreading into glaring instances of indiscipline and delinquent behaviour all over.

This change is conceived and incubated in the school environment, the basic platform of socialisation for growing children. Statistics prove that school crimes, school misconduct and school non attendance as a global phenomenon are on the rise. It may not be something you have noticed yet because compared to instances abroad the antics of our children seem harmless, and almost innocent. You may have had the urge to keep your errant ward from public glare – not accepting his behaviour as punishable or unacceptable. You hope it is a passing phase. As a parent if you are far too busy to give quality time to your children you may have even felt obliged to allay your child’s need for your time and guidance with expensive gifts. Giving in to his every wish, believing in him, protecting him, and hoping like mad it is just a part of his growing up days. You had yours and didn’t turn out too bad for it. So there is no reason to feel unduly worried. Right ? Actually in reality in your misplaced sense of love you may be perpetuating a new genre of adolescent behaviour. If you have noticed our teenagers today are far too sensitive or insensitive than you were. Far more liable to overreact and do something painfully foolish, far more smug in their comfortable cocoon, and so far less resilient, and insecure.

Here’s a letter written to me by one of the students on the help line I established for adolescent children some months ago. It is so shocking in its content that I thought I must share it with you and awaken the environment to the changing realities of the school environment today. He writes

Welcome to the 21st century's schools. We have the teachers, the friends, and the fun one always had with them. Surprisingly the ‘sharpener fight’ exists too! The one in which you take your bench mates sharpener without asking him, leading to a quarrel (seldom turning into a physical fight in yesteryears I am told). Today things are different. Those quarrels inevitably lead to far fiercer ego battles. Over a sharpener fight, depending on your clout, you may be inclined to call up the local ‘bouncers’ to ‘fix’ your bench mate. The ‘bouncers’ are available in ‘different packages’ specially designed for school going children. The package also gives you a ‘top-up service’ and a ‘special discount’ on big ‘contracts’.
Well I confess I am not a school pass out – I am just a student and I am terribly scared of all the things happening around me. My teenage head wants to know how to deal with these situations. Everything is being stretched to such new levels of experience. If you are not part of the system you are an ‘outsider’, prone to more damage. It is believed doing all this makes you ’cool ‘and if you are not ‘cool’ you are likely to pay a penalty for it. ‘Modern methods’ of dealing with difficult situation can be so unusual, so gross, and so terribly fearful. Where are we heading? How do we deal with this? This is how schools today are like – a flock of sweet little children with there own share politics, conspiracies, and courts.

You can well imagine if a mere sharpener fight can lead to such a radical measure what else can qualify as a threatening situation and its aftermath thereafter. We have always worried about the safety of a girl child, but are our boys any safer today? This is just one such story that may make you realise how crucial it is for us to make quality time for our kids. How important it is for us to talk to them regularly and listen to their problems. How imperative it is for us to understand the pressures they live under. Some issues may not be solved in isolation. Forming Parents’ Clubs is a good idea to deal with issues such as ‘bouncers’ and ‘drug dealers’. Before we label any action of any child as good, bad or ugly, we have to ensure they have not fallen into the trap of having to be part of the ‘crowd’ merely to survive. In order to make them strong and self reliant we have to encourage them to speak up and look for help. As teachers, parents, elders your views and opinion in this column called Adolescentrix will help us connect many distraught, worried parents and children alike into finding some direction . It may also be a good platform to bring parents together to brainstorm new parenting techniques.

Together let’s brainstorm alternatives and meaningful solutions to a healthier tomorrow.


Address your problems at for_you_help@yahoo.com
Also log in to and express your opinion at http://adolescentrix.blogspot.com

ADOLESCENTRIX- MARCH ISSUE

Let’s start with a Family Connectivity Quiz this monthRespond to the following questions with True or False:

1. You have a scheduled, predictable time to gather with your family for fun.
2. You have discussed family rules and consequences and evaluated the appropriateness of these rules every 6 months or so.
3. You eat at least one meal together on most days.
4. "Put-downs" and mean-spirited teasing are not allowed in your home.
5. You forget your squabbles and laugh at the end of the day.
6. You listen to each other with respect even when you disagree.
7. You usually know what your child worries about.
8. You talk about your family traditions, history and ancestors, etc.
9. You have predictable opportunities for each family member to be heard -- family meetings, open discussions at meal time.
10. You know your child’s favourite song, music group, or sports team.
11. Your family watches less than 7 hours of TV a week.
12. You don’t expect perfection. Trying hard is applauded and lessons are learned from mistakes.
13. Your family strives to live your spiritual beliefs and you often discuss how to do so.
14. You remember to tell your child how much you care for her.

Tally up your True and False responses and take a look at your score.1 - 2 False: You’re doing amazingly well keeping your family connected in a stressful world!3 - 5 False: Your family could use some strengthening.6+ False: Your family definitely needs to take more time for each other.

"Parental Power Is The Most Underutilized Tool In Combating Substance Abuse", According To Joseph Califano, President Of The National Center On Addiction And Substance Abuse
The National Center on Addiction and Substance abuse, (CASA), a national organization that studies substance abuse, recently reported:

1. "Parents who are parents rather than pals can greatly reduce the risk of their children smoking, drinking and using drugs."
2. "Teenagers with parents who enforce curfews and monitor their children’s TV and music habits are less likely to use drugs."
3. "Teens with parents who are ‘hands-off’ and impose no restrictions on them are at four times the risk to smoke, drink or use drugs than teens living in a house with rules."
4. "The more times a week teens eat dinner with their parents - without the TV on - the less the child's risk of becoming a substance abuser. Youths who do not eat with their parents have doubled the risk of using drugs than those who eat dinner as a family every night."
5. Being the parent of a teen is hard. It means having clear expectations and boundaries, so the kids know where you are coming from and why.

Eight Steps To Making A Seamless Transition From Adolescence To Adulthood

There are many steps you can take to help your teenager and yourself make a seamless transition. The eight steps that follow are some of the most helpful:

1. Keep communication lines open. Listen when your child talks and try to understand his/her position. Be assertive, don’t nag/lecture.
2. Maintain a good relationship. Your child will choose to obey you more often than not if the two of you have a good relationship based on mutual trust and respect. (Fathers be careful of how you deal with your daughters. Your aloofness can permanently scar your daughters)
3. Avoid treating your adolescent as if he/she were a young child. Give him/her the respect your child needs to learn how to make their own decisions and form their own opinions. Allow them to make mistakes. Adjust their role in the family so that it is more appropriate to their changing needs. Making them dependent upon you will not help them.
4. Give them space. Try not to smother him/her or force them to do everything the family does. Independence is necessary to your child's development. Be understanding.
5. Honor and respect your child's uniqueness. Encourage him/her to be themselves. Accept their differences. Time spent trying to make your child a model child will only end in frustration and resentment.
6. Be a strong leader, not just a good parent. Be positive. Express confidence in your child's abilities. Teach values. Set a good example.
Conduct your life the way you would like to see your child conduct theirs. Be careful not to say, "Do as I say, not as I do." Kids will remember what you did more than what you said. Remember that being a parent is hard work. Effective parenting requires self control and responsible behavior on your part, whether you are parenting an infant, child or adolescent.
7. No matter what happens, a sense of humor can help! Be willing to laugh at yourself. Laugh along with your child. Have fun. Kids love it when adults lighten up!
8. Whenever you would like to see an improvement in your child's attitude or behavior, take a look at your own first. You may be the one who needs to make an adjustment. Your child might be following in your footsteps.

Source: Washington Times, Feb. 22, 2001 edition, "Parental control curbs teen drug use," by Regina Holtman and Cheryl Wetzstein,

THIS MONTH’S SPECIAL:

One important listening skill to use when communicating with your teenager is using Door Openers, as opposed to Door Slammers. Door Openers are open-ended responses that do not convey evaluation or judgment. Door Slammers are just the opposite. They convey to your teenager that you do not wish to have this discussion with them.

Examples of Door Openers: "What do you think?”, "Would you like to share more about that?”, "That's a good question,” "I don't know, but I'll find out,” "I'm interested in what you are saying,” “Do you know what that means,” “That sounds important to you,” “Do you want to talk about it?"
Examples of Door Slammers :"You are too young to understand," "If you say that again, I'll...," "That's none of your business," "I don't care what your friends are doing," "We'll talk about that when you need to know," "That's just for boys/girls," "Why are you asking me that," "You don't need to know about that," "Don't come to me if you mess up."
In order to make the column ADOLOSCENTRIX useful, Parents and Students alike are requested to use the helpline for_you_help@yahoo.com , to discuss and write about their problems.