DO YOU EVER CARE?
YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME
I’M NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU
ARE YOU LISTENING?

The two questions we have chosen for this month relate to ANGER MANAGEMENT and CONFLICT RESOLUTION
1. I get very ANGRY at little things and often scream back or react rebelliously. What should I do? (ADOLESCENT)
2. I remain irritated with my child’s repeated MISBEHAVIOUR. What am I to do? (PARENT)


Parents and their teens actually have more things in common than they think. Feelings of frustration, stress, time pressures, disappointment, financial stress, fear of failure and a need to be understood are common to both. They both want to paint a perfect picture for themselves. The child wants a perfect parent and the parent wants a perfect child. How they deal with these feelings and desires is the SKILL of conflict resolution. Conflicting situation can spin out of control when COMMUNICATION breaks down. The key word here therefore UNDERSTANDING.KNOWING THAT YOU ARE UNDERSTOOD CREATES RESPECT FOR YOU AND YOUR POSITION. This is also true for both parents and their teens

Here’s The First Step Towards A Personal Anger Management Programme
§ Identify the events that TRIGGER anger or violence for you: times, topics, situations. Plan for triggering events. What can you do to avoid them or help them go differently?
§ Identify the THOUGHTS you have that escalate your anger. What are you saying to yourself about the situation or person? What thoughts or self-talk can you substitute that will keep your anger from escalating?
§ Identify your BODILY CHANGES that indicate your anger is rising. What skills can you use that will help you control your bodily changes?
§ Identify the ACTIONS you do when your anger is rising. What actions can you do that will de-escalate your anger?


Here are some practical ideas for parents to handle conflict situations. You can start with an AGREEMENT OR CONTRACT made to handling future.
For example regarding communication, you may decide that during a fight
§ Issues from the past are not raked up.
§ Honesty between parties be maintained.
§ There is no name calling, swearing or saying hurtful things.
§ Should conversations become heated, both parties agree to physically separate.
§ After roughly 15 minutes, each one can sit down and write out what they are angry about. Both give other the time to read what is angering them. Each will then ask “What would you like to see happen?” From there both will listen and develop a work able solution.
§ Should an agreement not be reached after this, parties will alternate getting their way. For a week you may try out doing things the other way. A record of the last person to get their way will be kept.
§ Agreements made regarding household chores and curfew times shall be written and displayed in an area accessible to all.

Ø A rule of thumb when managing conflicts is to take equal responsibility towards resolving a situation.
Ø With recurring problems please look for mediation and counselling

THIS MONTH’S SPECIAL

10 Ways to Help Your Children Feel Safe, Respected, and Loved

1. Gotcha! Catch your children being good. Make a big deal out of it.

2. Can you describe that? Describe and praise what your children do well. For example, "Great! You finished your homework. Now we can go outside and play."

3. Hugs and kisses. Don't be afraid to show affection to your children. They need to feel your love for them.

4. The magic message. In every way possible, tell your children that you believe they are lovable and capable.

5. Liking themselves. Talk to your children about their strengths and limitations. Help them see that no one person can do everything.

6. Ask feeling questions. Questions like "How do you feel about your new teacher?" let your children think about and express their emotions.

7. Test the school. Be aware of your children's school climate. Is it warm and inviting? Is there both structure to keep children safe and freedom to let them grow?

8. Listen carefully. Put down the newspaper and turn off the TV when your child talks to you. And don't interrupt.

9. I'm on your side. Advocate for your children when concerns arise. Help them resolve conflict and find peaceful solutions to problems.
10. Peace be with you. Many schools have become peace sites-a place of safe, respectful behaviour. Try this at home. As a family, identify ways your home could be a more peaceful place.

ADOLESCENTRIX - JAN ISSUE

“Our children are not what we used to be”. Every generation must have been through such an aching realisation. Each time such a change must have been fraught with speculation and pain. The initial reaction must have been momentous, incomprehensible and unacceptable - until the fruits of change assuaged some of that fear and uncertainty of living through a transformation. The ones who brought about the metamorphosis went through as much struggle trying to establish a new set of rules, a fresh set of identities. The trouble arises when they get carried away in that frenzy, losing their way, and whipping up more dust than a clear path to follow. There are always a few who simply lose themselves and chose the easy way out to infamy. Today unfortunately, in a billion strong ‘young’ Nation they make a sizable population. The reason for worry is the rate at which their fire of discontentment is spreading into glaring instances of indiscipline and delinquent behaviour all over.

This change is conceived and incubated in the school environment, the basic platform of socialisation for growing children. Statistics prove that school crimes, school misconduct and school non attendance as a global phenomenon are on the rise. It may not be something you have noticed yet because compared to instances abroad the antics of our children seem harmless, and almost innocent. You may have had the urge to keep your errant ward from public glare – not accepting his behaviour as punishable or unacceptable. You hope it is a passing phase. As a parent if you are far too busy to give quality time to your children you may have even felt obliged to allay your child’s need for your time and guidance with expensive gifts. Giving in to his every wish, believing in him, protecting him, and hoping like mad it is just a part of his growing up days. You had yours and didn’t turn out too bad for it. So there is no reason to feel unduly worried. Right ? Actually in reality in your misplaced sense of love you may be perpetuating a new genre of adolescent behaviour. If you have noticed our teenagers today are far too sensitive or insensitive than you were. Far more liable to overreact and do something painfully foolish, far more smug in their comfortable cocoon, and so far less resilient, and insecure.

Here’s a letter written to me by one of the students on the help line I established for adolescent children some months ago. It is so shocking in its content that I thought I must share it with you and awaken the environment to the changing realities of the school environment today. He writes

Welcome to the 21st century's schools. We have the teachers, the friends, and the fun one always had with them. Surprisingly the ‘sharpener fight’ exists too! The one in which you take your bench mates sharpener without asking him, leading to a quarrel (seldom turning into a physical fight in yesteryears I am told). Today things are different. Those quarrels inevitably lead to far fiercer ego battles. Over a sharpener fight, depending on your clout, you may be inclined to call up the local ‘bouncers’ to ‘fix’ your bench mate. The ‘bouncers’ are available in ‘different packages’ specially designed for school going children. The package also gives you a ‘top-up service’ and a ‘special discount’ on big ‘contracts’.
Well I confess I am not a school pass out – I am just a student and I am terribly scared of all the things happening around me. My teenage head wants to know how to deal with these situations. Everything is being stretched to such new levels of experience. If you are not part of the system you are an ‘outsider’, prone to more damage. It is believed doing all this makes you ’cool ‘and if you are not ‘cool’ you are likely to pay a penalty for it. ‘Modern methods’ of dealing with difficult situation can be so unusual, so gross, and so terribly fearful. Where are we heading? How do we deal with this? This is how schools today are like – a flock of sweet little children with there own share politics, conspiracies, and courts.

You can well imagine if a mere sharpener fight can lead to such a radical measure what else can qualify as a threatening situation and its aftermath thereafter. We have always worried about the safety of a girl child, but are our boys any safer today? This is just one such story that may make you realise how crucial it is for us to make quality time for our kids. How important it is for us to talk to them regularly and listen to their problems. How imperative it is for us to understand the pressures they live under. Some issues may not be solved in isolation. Forming Parents’ Clubs is a good idea to deal with issues such as ‘bouncers’ and ‘drug dealers’. Before we label any action of any child as good, bad or ugly, we have to ensure they have not fallen into the trap of having to be part of the ‘crowd’ merely to survive. In order to make them strong and self reliant we have to encourage them to speak up and look for help. As teachers, parents, elders your views and opinion in this column called Adolescentrix will help us connect many distraught, worried parents and children alike into finding some direction . It may also be a good platform to bring parents together to brainstorm new parenting techniques.

Together let’s brainstorm alternatives and meaningful solutions to a healthier tomorrow.


Address your problems at for_you_help@yahoo.com
Also log in to and express your opinion at http://adolescentrix.blogspot.com

ADOLESCENTRIX- MARCH ISSUE

Let’s start with a Family Connectivity Quiz this monthRespond to the following questions with True or False:

1. You have a scheduled, predictable time to gather with your family for fun.
2. You have discussed family rules and consequences and evaluated the appropriateness of these rules every 6 months or so.
3. You eat at least one meal together on most days.
4. "Put-downs" and mean-spirited teasing are not allowed in your home.
5. You forget your squabbles and laugh at the end of the day.
6. You listen to each other with respect even when you disagree.
7. You usually know what your child worries about.
8. You talk about your family traditions, history and ancestors, etc.
9. You have predictable opportunities for each family member to be heard -- family meetings, open discussions at meal time.
10. You know your child’s favourite song, music group, or sports team.
11. Your family watches less than 7 hours of TV a week.
12. You don’t expect perfection. Trying hard is applauded and lessons are learned from mistakes.
13. Your family strives to live your spiritual beliefs and you often discuss how to do so.
14. You remember to tell your child how much you care for her.

Tally up your True and False responses and take a look at your score.1 - 2 False: You’re doing amazingly well keeping your family connected in a stressful world!3 - 5 False: Your family could use some strengthening.6+ False: Your family definitely needs to take more time for each other.

"Parental Power Is The Most Underutilized Tool In Combating Substance Abuse", According To Joseph Califano, President Of The National Center On Addiction And Substance Abuse
The National Center on Addiction and Substance abuse, (CASA), a national organization that studies substance abuse, recently reported:

1. "Parents who are parents rather than pals can greatly reduce the risk of their children smoking, drinking and using drugs."
2. "Teenagers with parents who enforce curfews and monitor their children’s TV and music habits are less likely to use drugs."
3. "Teens with parents who are ‘hands-off’ and impose no restrictions on them are at four times the risk to smoke, drink or use drugs than teens living in a house with rules."
4. "The more times a week teens eat dinner with their parents - without the TV on - the less the child's risk of becoming a substance abuser. Youths who do not eat with their parents have doubled the risk of using drugs than those who eat dinner as a family every night."
5. Being the parent of a teen is hard. It means having clear expectations and boundaries, so the kids know where you are coming from and why.

Eight Steps To Making A Seamless Transition From Adolescence To Adulthood

There are many steps you can take to help your teenager and yourself make a seamless transition. The eight steps that follow are some of the most helpful:

1. Keep communication lines open. Listen when your child talks and try to understand his/her position. Be assertive, don’t nag/lecture.
2. Maintain a good relationship. Your child will choose to obey you more often than not if the two of you have a good relationship based on mutual trust and respect. (Fathers be careful of how you deal with your daughters. Your aloofness can permanently scar your daughters)
3. Avoid treating your adolescent as if he/she were a young child. Give him/her the respect your child needs to learn how to make their own decisions and form their own opinions. Allow them to make mistakes. Adjust their role in the family so that it is more appropriate to their changing needs. Making them dependent upon you will not help them.
4. Give them space. Try not to smother him/her or force them to do everything the family does. Independence is necessary to your child's development. Be understanding.
5. Honor and respect your child's uniqueness. Encourage him/her to be themselves. Accept their differences. Time spent trying to make your child a model child will only end in frustration and resentment.
6. Be a strong leader, not just a good parent. Be positive. Express confidence in your child's abilities. Teach values. Set a good example.
Conduct your life the way you would like to see your child conduct theirs. Be careful not to say, "Do as I say, not as I do." Kids will remember what you did more than what you said. Remember that being a parent is hard work. Effective parenting requires self control and responsible behavior on your part, whether you are parenting an infant, child or adolescent.
7. No matter what happens, a sense of humor can help! Be willing to laugh at yourself. Laugh along with your child. Have fun. Kids love it when adults lighten up!
8. Whenever you would like to see an improvement in your child's attitude or behavior, take a look at your own first. You may be the one who needs to make an adjustment. Your child might be following in your footsteps.

Source: Washington Times, Feb. 22, 2001 edition, "Parental control curbs teen drug use," by Regina Holtman and Cheryl Wetzstein,

THIS MONTH’S SPECIAL:

One important listening skill to use when communicating with your teenager is using Door Openers, as opposed to Door Slammers. Door Openers are open-ended responses that do not convey evaluation or judgment. Door Slammers are just the opposite. They convey to your teenager that you do not wish to have this discussion with them.

Examples of Door Openers: "What do you think?”, "Would you like to share more about that?”, "That's a good question,” "I don't know, but I'll find out,” "I'm interested in what you are saying,” “Do you know what that means,” “That sounds important to you,” “Do you want to talk about it?"
Examples of Door Slammers :"You are too young to understand," "If you say that again, I'll...," "That's none of your business," "I don't care what your friends are doing," "We'll talk about that when you need to know," "That's just for boys/girls," "Why are you asking me that," "You don't need to know about that," "Don't come to me if you mess up."
In order to make the column ADOLOSCENTRIX useful, Parents and Students alike are requested to use the helpline for_you_help@yahoo.com , to discuss and write about their problems.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS ( Of Self Improvement)

I found these Ten Commandments of Self Improvement by DAVID RIKLAN
very useful for strategising my outlook to life.I am sharing it with you today...

#1: Thou Shalt Take Responsibility for Your Life

Dr. Phil: "Life Law:-You Create Your Own Experience. Acknowledge and Accept Responsibility for your life"
Stephen Covey: "Taking initiative does not mean being pushy, obnoxious, or aggressive. It does mean recognizing our responsibility to make things happen."
Les Brown: "Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is you who will get you where you want to go, no one else."
Denis Waitley: "There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them."

#2: Thou Shall Take Action
Dr. Phil McGraw: "Life Rewards Action. Make Careful Decisions"
Tony Robbins: "Take Massive Action"
Dale Carnegie: The man who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. The sure-thing boat never gets far from shore
Jack Canfield "Everything you want is out there waiting for you to ask. Everything you want also wants you. But you have to take action to get it."

#3: Thou Shall Have desire.
Napoleon Hill: Desire is the starting point of all achievement.
Muhammad Ali: "Champions aren't made in the gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them--a desire, a dream, a vision."
Mario Andretti: "Desire is the key to motivation, but it's the determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal -- a commitment to excellence -- that will enable you to attain the success you seek."
Earl Nightingale: "The key that unlocks energy is 'Desire.' It's also the key to a long and interesting life. If we expect to create any drive, any real force within ourselves, we have to get excited."

#4: Thou Shall Set Goals.
Tony Robbins: Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible.
Aristotle: First, have a definite, clear practical ideal; a goal, an objective. Second, have the necessary means to achieve your ends; wisdom, money, materials, and methods. Third, adjust all your means to that end.
Maxwell Maltz: People who say that life is not worthwhile are really saying that they themselves have no personal goals which are worthwhile. Get yourself a goal worth working for. Better still, get yourself a project. Always have something ahead of you to ''look forward to'' -- to work for and hope for.
Brian Tracy: "Every single life only becomes great when the individual sets upon a goal or goals which they really believe in, which they can really commit themselves to, which they can put their whole heart and soul into."
Zig Ziglar "A goal properly set is halfway reached."

#5: Thou Shalt Create a PlanUnknown: If You Fail to Plan, You Plan to Fail.
Napoleon Hill: When defeat comes, accept it as a signal that your plans are notsound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your coveted goal.
Mark Victor Hansen: The majority of people meet with failure because they lack the persistence to create new plans to take the place of failed plans.

#6: Thou Shalt Pay the Price

Vince Lombardi: "The price of success is hard work, dedication to the job at hand, and the determination that whether we win or lose, we have applied the best of ourselves to the task at hand.
Orison Swett Marden: Success is the child of drudgery and perseverance. It cannot be coaxed or bribed; pay the price and it is yours.

#7: Thou Shalt Have Persistence
Calvin Coolidge: "Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.".
Orison Swett Marden: "There is genius in persistence. It conquers all opposers. It gives confidence. It annihilates obstacles. Everybody believes in a determined man. People know that when he undertakes a thing, the battle is half won, for his rule is to accomplish whatever he sets out to do."

#8: Thou Shalt Believe
Denis Waitley: "If you believe you can, you probably can. If you believe you won't, you most assuredly won't. Belief is the ignition switch that gets you off the launching pad."
Anthony Robbins: "If you develop the absolute sense of certainty that powerful beliefs provide, then you can get yourself to accomplish virtually anything."
Maxwell Maltz: Realizing that our actions, feelings and behavior are the result of our own images and beliefs gives us the level that psychology has always needed for changing personality.
David J. Schwartz: "The size of your success is determined by the size of your belief. Think little goals and expect little achievements. Think big goals and win big success. Remember this, too! Big ideas and big plans are often easier--certainly no more difficult--than small ideas and small plans."

# 9 Thou Shalt Learn From Thy Mistakes
Winston Churchill: All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes.
Oprah Winfrey: There are no failures, only lessons to be learned.
John Sculley: I have found that I always learn more from my mistakes than from my successes. If you aren't making some mistakes, you aren't taking enough chances.

# 10: Thou Shalt Create A Clear Picture of Your Future and Visualize It.
Earl Nightingale: Picture yourself in your minds eye as having already achieved this goal. See yourself doing the things you'll be doing when you've reached your goal.
Stephen Covey: Create a clear, mutual understanding of what needs to be accomplished, focusing on what, not how; results not methods. Spend time. Be patient. Visualize the desired result .
Robert L Schwartz: "The entrepreneur is essentially a visualizer and an actualizer. He can visualize something, and when visualizes it he sees exactly how to make it happen."


And here are some of the books you must have a look...
Top 10 Self Improvement Experts .

They are:Expert

# 1- -Phil McGraw ( Dr. Phil)
Main Area- -Personal Empowerment
NY Times Best-Sellers- - "Life Strategies"; "SelfMatters";"Relationship Rescue"
Profile- Author; Psychologist; Life Strategist; "Dr. Phil" TVHost

# 2- -Anthony Robbins
Main Areas- -Empowerment;
Personal and Business SuccessBest-Sellers- -"Unlimited Power"; "Awaken the Giant Within" (over1 million copies sold)
Profile- Author; Speaker; Entrepreneur; Business Leader

# 3- -Sylvia Browne
Main Areas- -Spirituality; Dreams; Counseling
NY Times Best-Sellers- -"The Other Side and Back"; "Life on theOther Side"; "Adventures of a Psychic"
Profile- Author; Psychic; Lecturer; Teacher; Researcher

# 4- -Dalai Lama
Main Areas- -Peace; Happiness; Spirituality; Buddhist Philosophy
NY Times Best-Sellers- -"The Art of Happiness"; "Ethics for theNew Millennium
Profile- Author; Spiritual Leader

# 5- -Laura Schlessinger ( Dr. Laura)
Main Areas- -Empowerment; Motivation
NY Times Best-Sellers- -"Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess UpTheir Lives"; "Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives";"Ten Stupid Things Couples Do To Mess Up Their Lives
Profile- Author; Speaker; Children's Writer; Radio Host; Ph.D. inPhysiology from Columbia

# 6- -Dale Carnegie
Main Areas- -Public Speaking; Sales Training; EmpowermentBest-Selle- -"How to Win Friends and Influence People" (over 15million copies sold)
Profile- Author; Trainer; 1888-1955

# 7- -Paulo Coelho
Main Areas- -Inspiration; Following Your Dreams
Best-Seller- -"The Alchemist" (over 27 million copies sold)
Profile- -Author; Journalist; Songwriter

# 8- -Deepak Chopra
Main Areas- -Spirituality; Mind-Body Medicine; Healing
Best-Seller- -"The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success" (over 2million copies sold)
Profile- - Author; Speaker; M.D.; Endocrinologist

# 9- -Stephen Covey
Main Area- -Personal and Business Effectiveness
NY Times Best-Seller- -"The 7 Habits of Highly EffectivePeople"(over 13 million copies sold)Profile- -Author; Lecturer; College Professor; Leadership Mentor

# 10- -Zig Ziglar
Main Areas- -Motivation/Inspiration; Self-Image; Goals;Empowerment
Best-Sellers- -"Over the Top"; "See You at the Top"; "Zig Ziglar'sSecrets of Closing the Sale"; "Courtship After Marriage"
Profile- -Author; Speaker

DRIVING MANUAL OF THE ADOLESCENT HIGHWAY (4 SANJANA)

Dear one,

Did you said you find it difficult to read signals of a guy trying to “hit on you” or “making a pass ? “I just trust everyone so much but feel so hurt when they prove to be otherwise”, you complained in your hurt simplicity.

Ah! You haven't received a lesson on drving along the adolesecnt highway yet, is it? Like so many others I guess, who may have been through some terrible accidents already .This can make your transition ( from the little girl to the big girl) all the more difficult. But hey cheer up! . Here's your driving manual .

I am certain you will make a quick progress in hereafter in the understanding of driving on a whole new avenue.Riding your little tricycle in the safety of your backyard and driving in the highway are two different things. The main one is of “speed” and “rules” I guess which you have to learn along the way , as you grow older. One thing for certain "there's no blaming anyone hereafter".You drive at your own peril.You have to take responsibility of YOUR ACTIONS and drive safe to avoid people “riding over you” or “pushing you away” from the track . In the eventuality of an accident ( be it your fault or someon else's) remember you have to bear the cost(consequences) of the damages you undergo . And you alone will be responsible of recovering from the loss thereafter.

If that sounds too cynical let me assure you that learning the rules is not difficult at all and has its own payoffs. When you eventually learn to drive well and get to know all the diversions and the checkpoints it is actually a glide… a wonderful exploration through miles and miles of unknown terrain. If you are well equipped to take care of yourself (with a map and a spare wheel and oodles of guts to make it on your own) you will not regret the adventure of growing up at all. After a while the twists and turns won’t surprise you a bit as you take charge of your life and sashay through ,with the composure of a connoisseur.

The sooner you learn the rules the better then…

1. RULE # 1 YOU CAN'T DRIVE BUMPER TO BUMPER AT 120 MILES AN HOUR

§ The adolescent highway can be particularly dangerous. Heady , exploring adolescents rarely have enough bearing to do go slow and do the right thing at the right time.There's is a terrible urge to know and discover everything and very little patience to think of the consequences. Therefore you simply can’t get too permissive with someone you just came to know the other day. It is always wise to maintain a reasonable distance, till you are certain where you are headed. In anycase never drive bumper to bumper with anyone. A little space can save you a lot agony attimes.

§ Similarly frequently look out for people who are trying to get too close to you. Understand the difference between “reserved” behavior and “permissive” behavior especially when you are meeting someone new. A driver who doesn’t know the rule of driving along the highway or the one who drives recklessly are both potentially dangerous for you.

§ You must have a ''Prove-to-me-that-you-aren't-dangerous'' attitude and drop your guard only after years of knowing a person. In real life dangerous men are the one who learn the art of appearing “not at all dangerous”. They simply act appropriately from the moment you meet them and for as long as you know them. They do not exude forced harmlessness either. Other than passage of time there is no way of knowing this variety. If you can’t discover him intuitively look at his track record.

2. RULE #2 Be at the RIGHT PLACE , at the RIGHT TIME with the RIGHT PERSON

In the adoloscent highway you can get directionally challenged if you don't learn the route and map before you embark on a journey ( i.e set a goal to move towards) . You may get lost in a dark alley or a maze for all you know. It can easily take you further and further from the right track if you are not careful. So till you learn the ropes follow clear signs . If you have to ask for directions you must look for a person you can trust to guide you . Don't depend on another directionally challenged person like you. Choose your friends carefully.
Don't get carried away and follow someone else ( peer pressure) without giving it some thought yourself. One way to avoid unforseen dangers is to be in the right place( a safe, known place) at the right time ( not after dark, not when no one is around) with the right person ( good friends you can trust).

3. RULE # 3 DRIVE IN YOUR LANE

Now this is very imporatnt. Cutting lanes is a serious offense, but as an adolescent driver you have no idea of lanes or what that means. Not only are your hands shaky your mind is numb from trying to get a hang of your new driving lesson. Relax and focus. Drive straight and follow your course of direction. That way you will travel smoothly without letting anyone come in your way and creating unnecessary bottle necks. Set yourself some boundaries that you will not let others cross and similarly respect another's boundary as much.

4. RULE # 4 GIVETHE RIGHT SIGNALS

Guess what would happen if you gave a right signal and decided to take a left turn by mistake or simply by choice ? Someone else will come and ram against you. So make sure you give the right signals to people around you. You don't want to be blamed for nothing later. If a small mistake creates a big dent , then it is really not worth it, is it? We often ignore this aspect of driving thinking it to be unimportant. But it is not. It is only when you learn to give the right signals that you learn to read signals too...so don't neglect this aspect.

5. RULE # 5 HEED THE ROAD SIGNS

Where would you be if there were no road signs? But frankly in your frenzy and freedom to drive at a high speed you may once in a while overlook a sign altogether and dash a dream. Be careful . Your parents , your teachers and your counsellors would be well aware of the developmental phases in your life and may warn you in advance. Don't ignore them as mere naggings. They hand you over the road signs that can save you from a disaster someday. pay heed to them

6. RULE # 6 DON'T CROSS THE SPEED LIMIT

The first euphoria of freedom can heighten your desire to drive at a reckless speed . You will be issued a speed ticket sooner or later,( the drug addict who had to go the the rehab centre).Opps! you don't want that. Remember slow and steady wins the game. Don't be in a rush to experience everything in life. Trust you God . He has many many wonderful moment gift wrapped for you only if you drive at a reasonale pace.

SELF WORTH & RELATIONSHIPS( Replies to letters)

I have received several letters from my young friends and these are some of the snippets from my replies which may be shared as general comments. I hope some of you find an answer to your problems when you read them.

ON BUILDING SELF-WORTH

1. When people label you as good, bad or ugly, you don’t automatically become that. YOU ARE ALWAYS WHAT YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE. So ask yourself, what kind of a person is the real you (not the projected one)? How worthless can a child who is no more than 16 be? - Don't forget you have the whole life ahead of you. All I want to say is 16 years is probably just an inch of the foot life you have to live. Don’t give up on yourself ever. There’s lot more to see and lot more to do. If this is area of problem approach me for "LESSONS ON IMPROVING SELF ESTEEM"
2. Please don’t get bogged down by your past; you have many more mistakes to make all your life. We all do. Mistakes are important. Mistakes are our milestones to growth and maturity. Only you must learn to handle them. You must learn to learn from them. You must also use them to recognise your strengths and weaknesses, to work on yourself.If you realise you may have gone wrong here and there it is good enough. That’s a HEALING SIGN. Next thing to do is to list down the mistakes you made. List down how you came out of them. List down one weakness that led you to that mistake. Then list down two strengths that helped you to come out of it. Give yourself a pat on your back for being strong and carry on believing that your strengths will always win over your weaknesses…okay? Just believe in yourself. Similarly learn to accept another with his/her flaws. Learn to forgive and accept change. Go through my articles "ATTITUDE" and "LIMITING BELIEFS". See if they make any sense to you. Please feel free to contact me for "LESSONS ON ACCEPTANCE and CHANGE"

3. If you don't have a parent or if you don't share a good rapport with at least one of your parents it can seem like a huge void in your life that leaves you insecure and defeated in the face of the many problems that you face everyday. You long for unconditional love and protection at home to help you deal with problems outside. Accept your ordeal if you don't have a supportive family during these crucial sensitive years. Turn for help and ask a counsellor or a teacher you can trust or some other parent who your are close to guide you. You must understand you need a little help to organise your thoughts to face all the problems you are facing for the first time.
Remember IT IS ALRIGHT TO ASK FOR HELP.

4. When you feel misunderstood and you struggle to prove yourself you often become terribly insecure. You don't quite understand how to express yourself...in anger or in subservience? You become confused and troubled. Sometimes this inability to handle a situation turns you into a rebel. It is a sign of aggression and a pointer to the fact that you have not learnt the coping skills. You must understand that you are essentially acting in defence and striking back to protect yourself from real or imagined fears. Striking back or aggressive behaviour may become a habit if you don't learn to analyse your emotions. You may grow up to become an aggressive adult if you are not careful. YOU MUST LEARN TO BE ASSERTIVE IN A CALM WAY. Feel free to contact me for, “LESSONS ON ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOUR" .

5. YOUR ATTITUDE to life will make a big difference. DON’T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF. Believe that TOMORROW IS always A NEW BEGINNING. EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE TOMORROW because you will CHOOSE TO CHANGE EVERYTHING6) Whenever you feel defeated reflect on how to make your WILL stronger. Think how you will strengthen your character. Analyse your value systems and give yourself boundaries (I will allow myself this much and no more). By respecting your boundaries you will learn to control your life. You will also learn to respect others' boundaries. Everyone makes mistakes, but the ones who learn and grow from them are the leaders and the teachers...

ON RELATIONSHIP ISSUES

§ A word about what I think love is or rather should be"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV)

§ When you are just about 18 and going through a transition yourself it is difficult to understand the above definition of love. For any young person of your age love is just a sensation that gives you some sense of security. When this security is threatened you feel restless and out of control. Sometimes anger can take over that state of powerlessness. But the moment you free yourself of the doubt of having to lose a loved one you may actually start living more meaningfully.§ Incase your relationship is making no headway and you are upset about it learn to LET GO for awhile. Allow him/her to think about how he/she wants to live her life too. Don't worry about losing your love. Be happy you met him/her and that he/she made you think so much about how your life. That is great isn't it? At no time should just one single person be allowed to dictate your total well being . You have to find within yourself a constant source of balance and peace and contentment no matter what adversities you face in life. A happy relationship is just a bonus...but first and foremost you must learn to be happy from within. How would you do it? TAKE LESSONS ON CONFIDENCE BUILDING.

§ Our problem no 1 in life is that we are always trying to paint a perfect picture when in reality there can never be one. We are dissappointed at the slightest hint of the picture not getting completed "exactly" the way we wish to see it . Until we accept the reality as it is we shall stew in unhappiness forever.Our problem no2 is that our perceptions and our insecurities always make us magnify our pains and minimise our gains.Try and apply the above two theories of life to yr situation whenver you have a problem and then ask yourself if you really have a crisis at hand.For example you are feel a lot of love for a guy/girl but you are not sure how he/she feels for you. You are deeply troubled over it .He /she is a good friend otherwise but that is not enough for you.You want to know if he/she also feels like you do. You want some loving response which if it eludes you frustrated you no end.

§ Now you may choose to remain unhappy if this girl/boy doesn't run into your arms, profess undying eternal love and do an " ek duje ke liye act" in the filmy style...or you can tell yourself, " Wow I have made such a lovely friend.He/ She trusts me enough to turn to me at her time of need.I must cherish him/her and respect his/her wishes.Give hin/her space to grow and continue to nurture this friendship by being at his/her side whenever she needs me..who knows someday we may get lucky enough to go out and date together..."
Can't you see how lucky you are already to have such a beautiful freindship without making it any more complicated? Is that not a kind of love? Your boy/girl( usually girl) may not be ready for the other kind of intimacy. She maybe coming from a home where her parents have serious expectations of her. She maynot be in a position to reciprocate your affection in the same way, without feeling guilty of letting down her parents...Try and understand her...if she disliked you she would have ignored you ...obviously she likes you and that is why she stays in touch with you. It is possible you are not just the only freind she has. And it is possible she wants to focus on her boards first and then decide how to proceed with her personal life.Isn't that fair?
If you pursue her now you will only succeed in scaring her off from you.Instead give her the understanding and the space she needs and she will value you beyond just a shallow relationship.Anything that cooks over a slow fire over a long period has a rich taste. Don't increase the flame and scorch it. Go slow, let it cook on slow fire...Meanwhile stay in touch with her and enjoy the friendship and consider yourself lucky...Be happy for yourself...

§ Make many other friends too.You must see the world before you jump to make a committment, so must she.It is not necessary to have just one intimate relationship at this stage. Instead it is advisable to have several beautiful frienships in order to enrich your understanding of men/women and how u ought to handle them...This is your time to explore life and not get a noose around your neck.

§ When you are particularly upset or depressed over a relationship and find yourself withdrawing and becoming a loner concentrate on a regime. Go to the gym, run an extra mile, play a hard game of squash and sweat it out whenever you can. Such a hard routine will flush in blood into yr system every time and take away your depression gradually. Meanwhile concentrate on your strengths. Write them down in a piece of paper. Write down the times you went wrong and ask yourself "WHY did I go wrong?” each time. Then think of at least 2 alternatives you could have employed to avoid the mistake. Write down your strategies and your strengths. Tell yourself you can change your life with a positive attitude.

§ Also don't be too judgemental of your partner incase of a break up. Remember he/she is also growing and infact has every right to experiment with his/her life now within responsible limits. None of you can afford to get stuck anywhere with someone in particular yet. You have to move on and meet new people and allow yourself to get matured. Healthy friendships with several girls are preferable to just one intimate friendship at your age - only because you are all still growing and learning about yourself .You must meet a variety of people before you settle down for one companion. You must make many friends and not seek “A particular relationship” to fill a void, or give you an identity.

§ When such a over dependency on a relationship creates a feeling of void and a sense of loss it is pointer to the fact that you are suffering from low self esteem. What are you doing about that? Get over your relationship dependency by working on yr self esteem. Before someone else trusts you must trust yourself. Before you prove your worth to someone else you must prove your worth to yourself. Make a set of SMALL GOALS for everyday .Example “I will run 5 kms. I will not smoke. I will finish one chapter of science.Whenevr I think of HIM/HER I will remind myself that I have to prove my worth to MYSELF( only then will he/she will respect and trust me). Whenever you think of him or her with pain, thank God for it. Remember you needed it to focus on yourself and your strengths.

§ If however you take the loss (of yr love affair) as a personal defeat, you are making a big mistake. You don't realise this today, but 5 years down, 10 years down or 30 years down, you would have seen so many people, loved and respected so many that the experiences that leave you so tortured and miserable would seem a waste of time. Remember most relationships started at this age don't carryon beyond a point. It is sad but it is true that with maturity childhood love remains just a sweet memory. You simply out grow them with time. You may feel shattered just now but years later when you look back you won’t really regret anything but the pain it caused you. With time you change so much, your outlook to life changes so much you realise some things couldn’t have lasted forver.The ones that do last however are always more practical in nature and not so romantic, with fewer expectations. They are more balanced and healthy and learn to adapt with the changes that take place in the personality. MATURITY IS ALL ABOUT DEALING WITH CHANGE ACCEPTING CHANGE AND USING IT to YOUR ADAVANTAGE....§ It is very important to remember that you must learn to accept your responsibilities towards your relationships - YOU CANNOT TELL EVERONE THE NAMES of the girls/boys that you go around with discuss them in detail what went between you two, with just anyone. It is important to start a relationship with utmost honesty and remain truthful to your partner. However other than a spouse with whom you plan to spend a lifetime, or a relationship which is about to materialise into a marriage you need not go in the details of your past with everyone. In our present society a guy can get away with a lot of nonsense but for a girl a single mistake can cost her life. And the fauj as you know is a small world. Be very careful. Don't talk about your experiences lightly, conversationally and to everyone. Always behave responsibly towards all your loves alike past and present...if you deserve forgiveness and kindness so do they.

LIVE AND LET LIVE .

§ A healthy relationship grows gradually over a time. Ensure enough time to know each other before you make a commitment to yourself to take the relationship to its next stage of intimacy. Take time to prove your integrity etc.All relationships must start with a casual discussion on each others outlook to life. "What do you think of this and that?”etc. This will give you a fair idea if your partner is flexible enough to understand your problems. Often a girl may not be mature enough to handle shocking revelations which are alien to her. You may have to prepare her in that case..." such things happen etc”. Ask for her opinion at every stage and see if you agree with her outlook to life.

§ Remember a healthy relationship grows gives space to each other. That is why it is important to become a good friend first before you become a lover. Listen to each other and analyse your respective needs. Find out if he/she is too demanding. Find out if his/her fears/insecurities are true or baseless. If they are true, find out if you are you ready to responsibility for him/her. If they are baseless find out how to help him/her understand you .LEARN ABOUT CONFLICT RESOLUTION.

LIMITING BELIEFS (4 PRATEEK CHABA)

You asked me a question, which I am not sure if I fully comprehended. I sensed your disillusionment though. “WHY IS THERE SO MUCH IGNORANCE “, you asked “WHY SO MUCH RESISTANCE TO CHANGE”…That was the most profound question I had heard in the whole day and you made a immediate impression on me. They say “Quality questions create quality life”, and I believe in it. The quality of your life is dependent on the quality of questions you continually ask yourself, consciously and subconsciously and the fact that your little head is already ticking with such powerful emotions amazed me no end.
I wrote in one of the columns how Rahul Mahajan’s close shave with death shook me up with the same disillusionment perhaps you feel right now…Why such ignorance? WHY WHY WHY ? What neglect, what lack of attention or sheer laziness can lead people to throw away their lives and live in blissful ignorance. Where do they think they will end up someday, living such a meaningless shallow life? Or don’t they know? What ignorance is this? How do we dispel it? It is horrifying, it is shocking to read about the extent of the corroding effect of substance abuse on our youths. It is absolutely shattering to see how AID gallops at a geometric progression and threatens to swamp the youthful vitality all around with its menacing tentacles…Yet how do we stop the fireflies from flying into the fire? Why have they chosen such a destiny for themselves? Was that what you asked me Prateek?
Well for one I think I know what’s killing them. The apparent cause maybe anything- drug, aids, religious fundamentalism…But the real cause is LIMITING BELIEFS.Yes our lack of faith in ourselves is the only enemies we must fight against if we have to survive the ravages of time. OUR FEARS ,OUR DOUBTS,OUR GUILTS , all keep us moving towards AWARENESS from IGNORANCEWE ALL ACT OUT OF OUR BELIEFS. Do you believe in that ? For instance someone who achieves BIG results must have had some BIG dreams and big beliefs.Someone who achieves small results never dared to go beyong the first hurdle because of his limiting beliefs. To have BIG, UNLIMITING BELIEFS then we need to plant such beliefs into our conscious and subconscious mind. Sometimes we may need to rehaul the whole thinking pattern with a set of powerful beliefs into our consciousness. You will ask me if it is that simple then why don't we all think big? What stopping us? What indeed?
In order to value our life enough ; inorder to believe we can indeed empower ourselves ; in order to live a meaningful life WE HAVE TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT OURSELVES.Not everyone feels good about themselves. That is the saddest thing. It is the single most devastating belief that starts the whole chain of limiting actions.
Anyone with a low self esteem must do this exercise with me to understand what I am saying. Repeat to yourself I AM WORTHY of doing great things, bringing about enormous changes in my life and that of others. I AM POWERFUL because I CAN CHANGE THE WAY I THINK AND FEEL . I CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.I KNOW EVERYTHING I NEED IS WITHIN ME- I AM EMPOWERED TO DO ANYTHING I SET MY HEART TO.YES AND I CAN HANDLE A LITTLE PAIN AND DISAAPPOINTMENT AND STRUGGLE ALONG MY PATH.EVERY HURDLE IS AN OPPORTUNITY IN DISGUISE. I KNOW IT WILL ALLOW ME TO PROVE TO MYSELF THAT I AM STRONGER THAN ANY LIMITING BELIEF.Make this your prayer for the next one month and tell me if you don’t feel a difference in the way you feel about yourself and the things around you. Believe me, "A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks he becomes."The small act of believing in oneself has seen miracles happen.
LISTEN TO THIS SHORT STORY i picked up from coach Zev's site .
On May 6, 1954 something happened that changed the way millions of people think about human potential forever.You see for many many years it was believed that no one can run a mile in less than 4 minutes. Thousands of runners had tried it but no one wasable to do it.Roger Bannister refused to accept this limiting belief. He told himself that it IS possible; and that someone like him could do it. He planted beliefs (which were like seeds in his head) that he could run a mile in less than 4 minutes. And what do you think these seeds produced?A result, a powerful result. Because on May 6, 1954 Roger Bannister ran a mile in 3 minutes and 59.4 seconds.But it gets better!Because six weeks later John Landy from Australia ran a mile in 3 minutes and 58 seconds!But it gets even better!Because in the following ten years many many more runners broke this so-called "impossible" 4 minute mile barrier. Why did this happen? Because Bannister shattered the belief that the four minute mile was impossible. And when that belief fell... the 4-minute mile suddenly became possible.
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF and believe that you carry the seed of empowerment within you. Spread it around. Make people sit up , awaken from their slumber. Let them embrace themselves and realise WHAT A WONDERFUL LIFE WE CAN LIVE JUST BY CHOOSING TO LIVE THAT WAY...Go ahead Prateek be a torch bearer , throw light where there is darkness, dispel gloom and bring about hope, gather your friends around you and start a revolution ...Against Ignorance.Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high Where knowledge is freeWhere the world has not been broken up into fragmentsBy narrow domestic wallsWhere words come out from the depth of truthWhere tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfectionWhere the clear stream of reason has not lost its way Into the dreary desert sand of dead habitWhere the mind is led forward by thee Into ever-widening thought and actionInto that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake (Rabindranath Tagore)

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING (4 Sonam Kothari)

CLASS XII-A , gave me a reason to create this blog , when Sonam Kothari asked,
"LIFE IS SO BORING.WHY ARE WE LIVING ,CAN YOU TELL ME?".
Now, could that be a question a lot of you ask yourself every moment of the day , especially through the nagging sessions of your parenst and teachers ? It is a tough one to reply to though.The curious query darted into my sleepy head and shook me up...WHY ARE WE LIVING? Could I have answered that in a few words over a period of 45 minutes? Would I have been able to satisfy the already bored and tired bunch who could easily do without another sermon?
Hence this blog and my first attempt at showing you the road signs I collected on my way up the mountain. They may or may not make any sense to you. You may have to eventually find your own answers to such deep profound questions. Meanwhile learn to LIVE in this moment and live fully.
You are lucky you are not disabled to enjoy the wonder of life in anyway . You are lucky to be just alive and kicking . So don't worry yet about why you are living, just live and let all the answers come to you automatically!!! I mean keep driving that mountain path. Make your own beacons each time you pass a critical point , look back and reflect if it was a narrow escape. Learn to sharpen your eyes and steady your impulses as you drive up, along unknown bents and turns. Sharpen your skills and remain aware.It is great fun to DRIVE THROUGH LIFE LIKE THAT. Sooner or later you will discover a valley of flowers , a meadow with a meandering river , or just the sheperds with their flock of sheep.The wonder and beauty of life will take away your breath suddenly and you would want to stop and watch the sunset or sit by the mountain stream and forget you had to go any further... and just then you may have to remind yourself " But I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep and miles to go before I sleep "
By the way don't forget The Only People That Are Truly Disabled Are the Ones with No Imagination. I am sure you know of paraplegics who haven't stooped themselves from living and doing everything from climbing the highest mountains to fording the widest seas. Ever wondered what it is that give them that amazing zest for life. What is their inspiration?
Hmm that thing is called ATTITUDE. Yes Karan Narang was right when he said “IT IS A INDIVIDUAL THING”. Even I think so. Infact If you ask me I will tell you LIFE IS 10% WHAT HAPPENS TO you AND 90% HOW you REACT TO IT and that is why life is so different for different people.If you notice 1) We cannot change our past 2) We can’t change our genes 3) We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way The only thing we can do therefore is keep OUR ATTITUDE from getting into a muddle of confusion and change it whenever we can to help us live more fully.
Ask yourself Are You Filling Your Bucket With Sunny Thoughts Or Debris?Do you know we all have an invisible bucket within us which has so much space in it that it has a tendency to look for something ( anything) to fill it up with. We would love to have a lot of sunny thoughts togo in there because that makes the bucket really light and easy for us to carry but when we don’t find enough of that , we consciously or unconsciously fill it up with debris and mud instead making it harder for us . And that is precisely when our life seems a burden A BIG BURDEN and a BORING THING…You have to just look for a lot of sunny light happy moments and then replace the debris with it. It is easy. You just have to look for it. It is all around… Start today and see the big difference it makes.
I read this story somewhere. Let me share it with youTo a woman who complained about her destiny the Master said, "It is you who make your destiny.""But surely I am not responsible for being born a woman?""Being born a woman isn't destiny. That is fate. DESTINY IS HOW YOU ACCEPT YOUR WOMANHOOD AND WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT."You may like to read some books that talk about "attitude building" . I will post a list here on the books avaialbale in the AWC library. ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING by JEFF KELLER is a good book if you can get your hands on it. It talks about your Your Attitude as Your Window to the World; How you are You're A Human Magnet and can attract good feelings and good times;How you must programme your mind and Picture Your Way to Success; How you must Make a Commitment and learn to Move Mountains; How You will turn your Problems into Opportunities; How You must Stop Complaining and start living; and Associate with Positive People; Confront Your Fears and Grow; and also Get Out There and Fail...So where are we? Do we agree then that "YOUR WORLD IS ONLY A MIRROR OF YOU." ...WHAT YOU GIVE OUT COMES BACK TO YOU EVENTUALLY, IN ONE FORM OR ANOTHER!” or that LIFE CAN BE AS GOOD AS YOU "WILL" IT TO BE!! You are the architect of your life. So what are you waiting for … do something today that will make your life suddenly seem wonderful, beautiful and an amazing miracle? Go ahead let your attitude open the window to that life.TAKE AN ATTITUDE QUIZ HERE